Funny Nursing Home Skit Jello Commercial
Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home.
The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at a nursing home.
President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."
A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.
In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...
'He's like a fish out of water.'
'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
'No, I mean he's dead.'
-Mike Close-
this one comes from the end of a drew carey special back in the 90's: there's an old man & an old woman in a nursing home...
old man says, 'bet you can't guess how old i am!'
she says, 'yeah? unzip your fly!' he does; she reaches in a feels around for a bit, then says: 'you're 83!'
he says, 'that's amazing! how'd you know that?'
she says, 'you told me yesterday.'
You can explore nursing home work reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean nursing home day dad jokes. There are also nursing home puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday
I called Grandma to see how he was doing.
"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.
"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.
"No, he's dead."
A couple at the nursing home
So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.
Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."
To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."
Fish out of water.
I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.
I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".
She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."
So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"
She replied, "No, he's dead."
I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable
Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
Surgery
After her fifth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them". "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ah, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Jane." "And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse..............he just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
Two old guys are sitting at a table in the nursing home, when a totally nude old lady with a walker streaks slowly past them
One guy says to the other, " I can't see so well anymore. What was that?"
The other guy says, "I'm not sure, but it definitely needed ironing."
Alzheimers..
This old guy and old lady are sitting in a nursing home when the guy turns to the woman and says "I bet you can't guess how old I am". The lady says "I'll bet I can, unzip your pants", so he does, she sticks her hand in, feels around, pulls her hand out and says "you're 83". The guy says "WOW! That's amazing! How'd you do that!?" the woman replies "you ask me the same question every day, Frank".
Did you hear about Nursing Home Sports League
Everyone gets atrophy at the end of the season.
Best response by a nursing home patient ever.
I asked my patient, "how ya feelin today"?
He whispers while still half asleep, "with my fingers."
What does trail mix have in common with a nursing home?
They're both filled with nuts
Why do all polish names end in ski?
Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)
There once was a woman who had 100 children....
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
What did the grapes say to their parents after they put them into a nursing home?
Thanks for raisin us
An old man and woman meet at a nursing home and decide to get married...
The nursing home doctor suggests they each get a physical before tying the knot.
The doctor examines the woman first. When the man comes in, the doctor tells him, "before we begin, I should tell you that your fiancee has acute angina."
"I know, doc. I've seen it several times already. That's why I'm marrying her!"
A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"
The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
What do you call a nursing home with a buffet?
A Golden Corral.
Exercise can add years to your life.
This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.
So my parents are getting older and sicker
I think it's time I move them into a nursing home. I feel really bad though, because I live with my parents and I don't want to live in a nursing home.
A woman gets home from the hospital.
She is walking slowly into the house so her husband asks if she is okay. " NO! my knees hurt and my jaw is sore." Her husband looks at her and says " I hate to say I told you so, but I told you not to take the job as Head nurse."
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables?
In an American nursing home.
What's the most popular game at a nursing home?
Guess who
A doctor is looking for the next patient
Doctor: Where is the next patient?
Blonde Nurse: I told him to go home.
Doctor: Why did you do that?
Blonde Nurse: He told me he is not feeling well.
I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel...
....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.
There are two old men at a nursing home
One of them turns to the other and asks "Do you wear boxers or briefs?"
The other man responds "Depends"
AN OLD FART
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you fart."
I used to work at a nursing home full of handicapped people
But I quit, because I could not stand them.
My nursing home golf team won again...
We had the least amount of strokes!
What's forty feet long and smells like urine?
A conga line at a nursing home
I sang Danny Boy at the nursing home the other day
There wasn't a dry seat in the house.
So my family and I go past a nursing home...
There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"
Hospital and Cop
*In class*
Teacher: "Jay, why are you down today?"
Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad's at the police station."
Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?"
Jay: "Yes, please."
After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher asks the other classmates, "Why is Jay's father at the police station and his mother at the hospital?"
Classmate: "Because his father is a policeman and his mom's a nurse."
I always win at jenga.
Though I only play at the Parkinson nursing home.
Do you ever go to wipe and your fingers rip through the toilet paper?
Sometimes I hate my job in the nursing home.
What's the difference between The White House and a nursing home for the senile?
The White House smells worse.
What do nurses watch at the old folks home?
The grammies!
My Grandpa died doing what he loved.
Driving his big rig, that nursing home didn't know what hit them.
What do nursing homes smell like?
Depends...
Why do hospitals and nursing home have air conditioning?
To keep all the vegetables fresh.
What did the old man say to the prettiest nurse at the nursing home?
"Help! I've fallen for you and I can't get it up!"
I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home.
I tell old people where to go.
My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she's never been where she'd be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment
I agreed and put her in a nursing home
Why do jails receive more funding than nursing homes?
The politicians who make the budget don't worry about ending up in nursing homes.
"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home.."
".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area."
The 90th birthday
An elderly man is celebrating his 90th birthday down at the nursing home and all his friends decide to surprise him by getting him a present. So they wheel in this massive cake and out pops a beautiful young women who looks at the old man and says:
"Hi, I can give you some super sex!"
So the old man says "Well uuuh... I guess I'll take the soup"
What do you call it when Jerry sleeps with 3 old women at a nursing home in one night?
A Jerry hat trick.
in the wake of the pandemic and failing ratings, AMC's The Walking Dead has changed it's format.
it will now be a reality show shot solely inside America's nursing homes.
A virus in a nursing home is like a dad joke.
Everyone gets it.
What do you call it when a nursing home gets infected with Corona?
Spring cleaning.
Grandad went into a nursing home,
so I rang them to see how he was.
Nurse said, "He's like a fish out of water."
I said, "So he's finding it hard to adjust?"
She said, "No, he's dead!"
What do you tell your grandmother when she doesn't want to go to a nursing home?
"It won't be for long."
Retirement Home
An old lady was found dead on her bed . The nurses found a list of names in her hands. The sweet old lady wrote down all the names of the men she slept with at the retirement home. She slept with everyone except one guy. The nurses then asked the old man why he did not sleep with the old lady and he said" we have a strict working relationship and i only collect the money"
My dad used to always say that there was a lot of AIDS in the nursing home he worked in
Hearing aids, walking aids....
My Mom said the last thing she ever wanted was to be put in a nursing home
So I said fine, this is it, don't ask me for anything else.
3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.
First man says, I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It's getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.
The second guy says, I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to poop with no trouble. It's getting more difficult even with fruits and veggies.
Last guy says, Oh, I have no problem with that. Every morning at 8:00 I just go like the Nile. Then at 8:30 I crap till everything's out. Now if only I could wake up before 9:00.
A woman was working at a nursing home
One of her patients was an old man that always had a dish of almonds he would offer the staff when they came in his room.
Her and her coworkers would nibble away as they did their duties, tidying him and his room. They got to talking about why he always had almonds, and he told them his family brings them for him, but he doesn't like them.
So the woman said, well if you don't like them, you should tell them, so they stop bringing them for you! And the old man said no that's ok, I like the chocolate, just not the almonds inside.
How can you tell it's a Millennial nursing home?
All the residents have atrophy.
Old men and their bathroom problems (Long)
Three men are sitting around the table at their nursing home talking about bathroom issues because of age. The first guy says.
"At 6 every morning I try and shit. But I am so constipated it takes an hour." The second man speaks up.
"Every morning at 7 I try and piss. But it is slow and just drips out." The 3rd man says.
"I have you both beat. Every Morning at 6 I take a huge crap. must be a pound of turns there. Then at 7 I piss heavy. must be a gallon of piss." The other two men look confused.
"Why is that bad."
"I dont get out of bed until 9."
An old lady goes to visit her husband in his new care- home.
She asks the nurse at the desk "How is my husband settling in?"
The nurse sighs "Oh, he's like a fish out of water."
"Oh no, in what way?" The concerned lady asks.
"He's dead." replies the nurse.
A magician was performing at a nursing home.
The magician said he was going to hypnotize the people that he was performing for. He started hypnotizing them with his watch. When they were hypnotized the magician dropped the watch and he said "shit!". The nurses had a hard time after.
Went to visit my ol dad at the nursing home.
We sat quietly on the porch as he never was much of a talker. A nurse diligently stood by his side keeping an eye on him, every so often he'd start to slide sideways and she'd give him a gentle push to prop him up. I asked how he was doing and he said the place was fine, they just won't let him fart.
My new hobby is going to nursing homes and pretending to be a retired senior citizen.
We call it LAARPing.
My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.
I went to visit him for the first time. As we're discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.
As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.
As she walked away, I asked:
Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?
A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.
Grandpa: it's not too bad. I just wish they would let me fart.
Where is the largest nursing home in the whole United States of America located?
Washington D.C.
I still don't understand why they call it a nursing home.
There is no way any of those old ladies are lactating.
Biden visits a nursing home.
He goes over to an elderly woman and asks, Do you know who I am? She replies, No, but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you.
Back at the nursing home,
A few evenings a week, Mr Jones would visit Ms Smith in her room. They would sit on the bed and talk and as they did, she would just simply hold his private part in her hand. They enjoyed this very much.
Then Mr Jones stopped visiting. As a few weeks went by, Ms Smith stopped Mr Jones in the hall and asked him why he stopped visiting.
He said, I visit Ms Clark now. And Ms Smith says, What does she have that I don't have? He answers, Parkinson's
A guy moves his mom into a nursing home, settles her in, and heads home
As she's sitting in her chair watching Golden Girls, she slumps over to the side and has a strange expression on her face.
Seeing this, one of the caretakers rushes over and props her back up.
Then, during Matlock, she slumps again and is promptly attended to.
During Wheel of Fortune, the same thing happens again - then it was time for dinner and finally it was time for bed.
The next day, the son comes back and says, "mom, how was you first day?"
She says "The food's alright, but they won't let you fart"
I got lucky in a bar
I got lucky in a bar and ended up taking a nurse home last night for sex.
As I stripped off in front of her I said, you must have seen a few dicks where you work - how does mine rate?
It's slightly bigger than most I see she said.
Thanks I replied feeling quite pleased with myself, where do you work exactly?
I'm a midwife.
Source: https://jokojokes.com/nursing-home-jokes.html
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